Is your partner, or are you, living with high-functioning autism, or ADHD, or is one of you neurotypical?
Sometimes partners can have been together for years, or even decades, without being aware that one of them, or perhaps both, are living with high functioning autism or with ADHD.
Either partner, or both partners, might be living with high-functioning autism or ADHD or be a highly sensitive person (HSP). Or there might be some overlap of ASD with ADHD and perhaps some OCD tendencies as well.
Here are some possible combinations.
Might any of these describe your situation?
You may be neurotypical and your partner may be high-functioning autism or living with ADHD
You may be high-functioning autism or living with ADHD and your partner may be neurotypical
You may be living with ADHD and your partner may be high-functioning autism
You may be high-functioning autism and your partner may be living with ADHD
You might both be living with high-functioning autism, or with ADHD
You might both be neurotypical and you might just want the opportunity to explore how you approach interacting and communicating with your partner…
There are many possible combinations of both neurotypical and neurodivergent characteristics within the couple. It’s not black and white, and this is natural, and not uncommon.
You want to learn more about high-functioning autism and/or ADHD…
Also, you and/or your partner may, or may not, have an official diagnosis for high-functioning autism and/or for ADHD. It might be the case that one or both partners have discovered that it seems likely that either they, or their partner, or perhaps both of them, are living with high-functioning autism or ADHD.
And as a result, they want to learn more about high-functioning autism and about ADHD as it relates to oneself, or to one’s partner.
Why?
Because it can be a difficult and frustrating experience when two people are in a relationship but are not aware that one, or the other, or both, are high-functioning autism or are living with ADHD.
It’s frustrating because despite every good intention and every effort, the repeated attempts at communication often go off the rails. The result is miscommunication, confusion, misunderstanding, conflict, disappointment, frustration, exasperation, hurt feelings and stress.
Your partner is not “out to get you”…
Both participants in the relationship mean well. They intend to get along well, and hope to get along well. They both want to have a calm, meaningful and enjoyable relationship, but they struggle to find the path that leads to functional, effective communication.
Actually, many difficult feelings can arise for both partners as a result of trying to interact, communicate and function within a relationship where there is neurodivergence but neither person is aware of it.
They thought they knew the path, but hit a dead end, or stepped off a cliff they didn’t realize was there. Or ran into a wall. Or got stuck, floundering in the reeds.
As a result, either, or both, of the individuals in the relationship can end up feeling ignored, pressured, or misunderstood by the other.
For example, they might end up feeling intimidated by their partner, and like they have to “walk around on eggshells all the time” in the bid to not disturb or upset their partner.
It is common for the partner of the person on the ASD spectrum to at times feel ignored by their partner. They make attempts to communicate with their ASD partner but feel that they don’t get much back. They might think their partner is not hearing them, or not processing what they say, or that they don’t care.
The “empathy thing” might not be what it seems…
They might think, “my partner doesn’t seem to care about how I feel. They seem to have very little empathy. They don’t seem to take my feelings into account.” This can be a common conclusion about one’s partner.
However, sometimes this kind of conclusion could be the result of a misunderstanding. The way that neurotypical individuals see ASD spectrum individuals is often quite different to how the ASD individuals perceive themself.
As a result, this gap in the understanding of “what the other is doing” often causes the confusion and misunderstanding and can quickly lead to arguments, conflict and hurt feelings.
Different people live in the world in different ways…
Given the neurotypical-neurodivergent spectrum which has different people living in the world in different ways, it is key to learn about oneself, and one’s partner, in order to facilitate more productive and functional communication.
Better approaches to communication results in better day to day outcomes, instead of circling within the same patterns of conflict.
Becoming aware that one’s partner is on the ASD spectrum or is living with ADHD – whether one is neurotypical or might be living with ASD or ADHD oneself – opens up an abundance of opportunities for exploration, learning and understanding.
Discovering blind spots is key, intriguing, and of great benefit…
In the counselling sessions, it is possible to discover a lot of blind spots. Realizing that your partner is on the ASD spectrum or is living with ADHD provides the opportunity to really start getting to know one’s partner better.
Also, this is the chance to start getting to know oneself better, as well.
Did you think you knew your partner very well?
Have you recently been feeling that there might be a lot you don’t know about them? Have you perhaps felt for a while now that whoever you thought your partner was, or is, might not quite be the case?
Realizing that there may be much to learn about one’s partner is often a surprise. The person “thought” they knew their partner, and they “thought” they knew themselves as well.
So, one arrives at a valuable opportunity. Discovering that one or both people in the relationship might be living on a spectrum of neurodivergency can provide a wonderful opportunity to start getting to know one’s partner, and oneself, in new ways.
Engaging in counselling sessions provides opportunities to learn about oneself-in-relationship with a person on the autism spectrum.
What is it like – for you – to be interacting in this relationship with this particular individual who is your partner?
The counselling sessions provide opportunities to talk about what is going well in your relationship. No doubt a lot has been going well over the time you’ve been together, since being in a relationship with a person on the ASD spectrum, for example, can be a fascinating, unique and fulfilling experience.
But there have also been misunderstandings, arguments and conflict, so the sessions provide opportunities to talk about the challenges and the frustrations.
Often the challenges and frustrations are related to communication issues. But they can also be caused by the different expectations each in the relationship has for these day-to-day situations:
Daily and weekly work schedules
Evenings, weekends and time off
Work-life balance where overwork is common, leading to stress and burnout
Grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking
Shopping trips, going to malls, running errands
Home maintenance, cleaning, organization
Weekend trips
Vacation planning
Vacation experiences that involve changes to routines
Socializing, interacting with current friends or not as the case may be
Interactions with relatives on holidays and at events and gatherings
Interactions with in-laws and siblings
Interactions with possible young or adult children
The establishment and communication of personal and interpersonal boundaries
Relationships where one person is on the ASD spectrum and the other is ADHD are not uncommon. For many reasons both players in this relationship often feel that it is a good combination and that they compliment each other in meaningful ways.
There are different ways to approach communicating with one’s partner…
However, when it comes to communication, there are different ways to approach one’s partner, and more functional approaches depend on if ones partner is living with ADHD or ASD or is neurotypical.
It is key, and can be very helpful, to realize that how one approaches communication with one’s partner can make a world of difference.
What happens in the sessions?
We explore specific details of situations and events and interactions in your relationship with your partner. When we look at these specific events and situations, there is the chance to discover how you approach communication in order to see what works, and what might not work so well.
As a result, it is possible for you to become aware of your automatic assumptions and conclusions about yourself, about your partner and about the so-called “rules of engagement”.
It is possible to examine your status quo way of seeing things and doing things.
It is possible to realize the unquestioned expectations you have had for your partner all along.
It is possible to identify your automatic, knee-jerk reactions to your experience of the behaviours, emotions, expressions and communications of the other and to find ways to manage these reactions as a result of discovery, learning and increased awareness.
Anyone can learn about ASD and ADHD from books and websites and podcasts, and all of these are definitely helpful. So how are the counselling sessions different?
The counselling sessions provide the opportunity to explore your specific patterns of communication and interaction with your specific partner.
The sessions provide opportunities to explore the nuts and bolts of what is going on, day to day, on the ground, given your specific situation in your specific context.
Why do you keep ending up in that same argument despite all best efforts and intentions? It’s a good question. We can look at this. There may be much to discover. There is much to learn and understand.
Making discoveries and building awareness leads to better outcomes…
It can be possible to get perspective on why some communications and events and plans go well and why others don’t. It is key to explore the specific events and situations in order to reveal the specific communicative approaches.
As a result, it is possible to discover the blind spots and turn these blind spots into awareness.
Your partner is “not out to get you”. They are not “intentionally trying to wind you up”. How well do you know them, do you imagine?
What is the difference between who your partner actually is and who you “want them to be” or who you “expect them to be”?
Who is your partner – on a very deep level? Who are you?
Are you prepared to re-examine your beliefs and ideas about who your partner actually is, and who you actually are?
The sessions provide opportunities for this kind of exploration.
An important note: sessions are not about “getting one’s partner to change”…
If you are a partner of someone who is living on the ASD spectrum or who is living with ADHD, please be aware that the counselling sessions do not provide opportunities “to fix or change” one’s partner.
It is important to clarify that the person who signs up for the session is “the client” – not their partner.
Individuals who benefit from these sessions are interested in learning and discovering about themselves and learning about their partner. They are interested in developing their communication skills, uncovering blind spots, and increasing their awareness.
They are interested in finding ways to enjoy a calmer, more functional and more enjoyable relationship.
They are not attempting to use the sessions “to fix their partner” or “get them to change”.
Sometimes discovering ways to make just small tweaks and adjustments in communication is all that is necessary…
Small changes in the communicative approach can result in a smoother experience together, an increased sense of intimacy, and a regaining of the warmth or sense of fun that was there at the start of the relationship.
Have you been wandering, feeling lost and stuck?
If one is wandering in unknown territory without a map, one will feel lost. One will be lost, and at times might get stuck in quagmires or quicksands or end up floundering in the reeds.
Have you woken up recently and realized that you thought you knew the territory, but, after all, you don’t?
You need a map!
With a map, and perhaps a compass, and with an eye on the specific realities of one’s surroundings, it’s possible to get an overview of where the rough patches are and where the quicksand is. It helps to avoid the rabbit holes, and the cliffs.
It helps to find the pathways – the ones that lead to the kinds of places you both like.